I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
when someone rings the doorbell
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Lassie, get help!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree