using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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*watches the world burn*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.