God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’