I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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gentlemen, hear me out
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.