Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die