[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Saw online –
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My wedding will be open casket.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
reverse psychology? that’ll never work