yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence