My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.