I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute