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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.