What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Festive toon…
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.