SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I hate when that happens.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
it must be school picture day
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).