i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
can I use a minion as a tampon
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Don’t make me out nice you.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with