*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
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I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.