“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
You Might Also Like
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.