3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone