“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.