Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.