Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.