I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*