everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
found this cool rock hiking today
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
For the baby who has everything
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know