*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”