Canadian owl: Eh?
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
December birthdays be like…
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes