What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My circle of trust is a meatball
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”