had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Accurate
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.