Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
iPhone X
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail