Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
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2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it