Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good