Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?