Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
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[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter