THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!