Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Bloody internet 😳
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Doctors texting each other.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?