There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Message from the dog groomers