Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I like long walks away from everyone
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?