Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You Might Also Like
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
From my Mom
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Social distancing in Australia:
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
The Onion called it…again.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes