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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
You can’t outrun your problems…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Herpes is trending, good job people
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.