[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
BaD BoY!!
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache