posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man