[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.