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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain