robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.