keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird