Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁