Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.