In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come