It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit