[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?