I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
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My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm