Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO