The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.